Living After Death
by RockyD
Summary: Chapters 4b is up. Alternate version of The Gift. Everyone else has one, why not me? Xander makes the ultimate sacrifice. B/X and Fred/X
1. My Sacrifice

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: Prologue - "My Sacrifice"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: Eventual B/X and Fr/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Alternate Version of "The Gift." Xander makes the ultimate sacrifice.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: This is my attempt at a sliding doors type fic. It starts out the same on both sides, but one event or another skewers the story further apart towards the end. Other parts, for those who want the Fr/X side, can be found at the group FredandXander.

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! I desperately need it, like an addiction. It would be appreciated.

*FADE TO: The yard where the portal tower is built. The gang is crouched behind a machine, trying to avoid getting hurt.*

"Okay, we gotta charge or something." Xander declared.  
Anya shook her head, looking weary, "We tried that."  
'Spike. Can you hear me?' Willow's voice pierced the vampire's mind. He nodded to himself, frowning, "Yeah, loud and clear."  
'Is there someone up there with Dawn?'  
Spike looked up, squinting his eyes, "Yeah, can't tell who."  
Xander looked confused, "Are you talking to us?"  
'Get up there. Go now.' Spike peered out uncertainly. The way up was still blocked. "Yeah, but-" 'Go!'  
Spike jumped up and dashed out as the others stared at him in surprise. In a split-second decision, Xander grabbed the bat from Anya's hands and headed after the chipped-vampire, ignoring Anya's cries for him to stay.  
Willow put her hand behind her without looking back firmly latching Tara's in her grasp. They're combined power forced the crowd of guards to split apart down the middle. They were all surprised by the invisible force that was shoving them aside as Spike ran through. He reaches the stairs and leaps up them without slowing.  
Seconds later, Xander barreled through as well, cracking a minion over the head with a bat as it made a grab for him. He dashed up the stairs as quickly as he could to keep up with the vampire, but it was no good as the vampire had the advantage of not needing to breath.  
Spike used his speed advantage to make it to the top in record time, where he began climbing the ladder to the tower's very tip.

*CUT TO: The tower's top. Doc produces a pocket-watch and looks at it as Dawn watches him fearfully.*

"Well. What do you know?" He spoke with disturbingly warm tone. Spike appeared behind him. "It's just about that time."  
Dawn caught sight of the vampire and made his presence known, "Spike!"  
The Doc whirled around as Spike strode forward purposefully. "Why am I finding myself unhappy to see you right now?" Spike growled.  
"The feeling is strangely mutual, old friend." The Doc merely smirked.  
Spike glared, "Come on, Doc. Let's you and me have a go."  
The Doc looked back at Dawn, tapping the knife against his hand, "I... do have a prior appointment."  
Spike vamped out, "This won't take long."  
"No, I-I don't imagine it will." The Doc was eerily calm.  
Spike lunged forward, making a grab for the knife. Doc was prepared for this, and easily sidestepped. He used Spike's momentum to spin him around, grabbing him around the neck, and thrusting the knife deep into Spike's back. Spike and Dawn gasp at the same time. "You don't come near the girl, Doc." Spike growled.  
"I don't smell a soul anywhere on you. Why do you even care?" Doc pondered out loud.  
"I made a promise to a lady." Spike responded quickly.  
"Oh?" He pulled the knife out of Spike's back, before continuing, "Then I'll send the lady your regrets."  
Spike gave Dawn an agonized look, trying to apologize wordlessly, "No." Without further ado, Doc pushed Spike over the edge of the tower.   
Watching him fall, Dawn cried, "No!"  
Spike fell to the ground below, landing amid a pile of bricks and grimacing in pain.  
The Doc wiped the blood off the knife and walked back to where Dawn was chained up, "Now... where were we?" Dawn let out a piercing scream.  
Doc brought the knife to Dawn's stomach, slicing a thin slash through the material and the skin. Dawn cried out and sobbed in pain. "Shallow cuts..." Dawn cried again, as he slashed her, "...shallow cuts..." He makes another cut and Dawn cries out again.   
  
"Let the blood ... flow ..." Blood trickled down Dawn's torso, trailing down to her feet on the edge of the platform. Blood dripped over her toes. "...free."  
"Dawn." A hoarse cry came from behind them.  
Dawn gasped in pain, "Xander!"  
Doc whirled around as Xander strode forward, one arm behind his back. The Doc looked unimpressed, "This should be interesting."  
Xander stopped calmly, "What's a guy gotta do to make you stay dead, Doc?"  
He laughed, "I hardly think it matters when it comes to someone like *you!*"  
Xander let a punch fly with his visible hand, which the Doc easily blocked. What he hadn't expected, however, was the blow from the baseball bat that collided with his head, sending him crashing to the grating beneath his feet. Xander looked down at him with dry humor, "Made you look."  
The Doc, with a visible bleeding gash in the side of his head, looked up at the young man with fury, "It won't matter now... The Key has been bled, and the portal shall open... you will all die!"  
Xander's face mirrored his anger, as he dropped the bat and hauled the creature before him up by its collar. He growled in anger, "Nobody hurts my girls." Seconds later, he used all his strength to heave the doctor over the edge of the platform. His scream could be heard faintly as Xander ran to Dawn, who continued to cry.  
"Here." Xander said calmingly, as he undid the bindings keeping Dawn in place.  
"Xander, it hurts."  
He helped her away from the spot she was tied to, "I got it." He pulled her to a neutral spot, and handed her a cloth to stabilize the wounds, "Come here. You're going to be okay." A few drops of Dawn's blood dripped over the edge of the hole. In midair they met something, and a small circle of light appeared, growing exponentially.  
Xander leads Dawn limping across the platform to the tower entrance. Dawn stopped, turning to Xander.   
Unclear why she stopped, Xander tried to push her along, "Go!"  
Dawn shook her head, looking desperately behind him, "Xander, it's started!" Xander turned around. They can both see the light of the portal. The rate at which it was growing scared them both immensely.  
Xander turned back to Dawn as Dawn continued staring at the portal, "I'm sorry." She said tearfully.  
"It doesn't matter." Xander said unconvincingly. He tried to pull her into a hug, but she attempted to barrel past him. Xander's strong arms are all that keeps her from running off, "What are you doing?"  
"I have to jump. The energy." Dawn said, staring at the portal with strange fascination and determination.  
Xander shook his head vehemently, "It'll kill you."  
"I know." Xander didn't want to understand why she was willing to throw herself away, "Xander, I know about the ritual. I have to stop it."  
"No!" He yelled, "I can't let you do that, you're too important to me! Uh, besides, Buffy would kill me."  
The tower beneath them shook, "But I have to. Look at what's happening." Lightning lit up the sky, the thunder that followed made them both shiver. Xander looked up. A huge dragon flew out of the portal and buzzed the tower, flying away just as quickly.  
"Xander, you have to let me go. Blood starts it, and until the blood stops flowing, it'll never stop."  
Xander stared at Dawn in anguish. He looked down briefly, and saw Buffy making her way up the tower. If he didn't do something soon, the Slayer would probably try to sacrifice herself instead.  
"You know you have to let me. It has to have the blood." Dawn cried.  
Xander's eyes flashed with realization. The combination sparked an answer in his head. As he looked back over his shoulder at the portal, his mind flashed to Spike earlier in the night. 'Cause it's always got to be blood.'  
Xander got a calm, peaceful look on his face. He turned back to Dawn, who stared wide-eyed. The look in his eyes told her everything, "Xander ... no!"  
"Dawnie, I have to." He held her shoulders firmly, "If I don't, your stubborn and stupid sister is going to go for it instead... she's too important to the world for that to happen."  
"No!"  
He shook his head, "Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen." Xander held Dawn by the upper arms and continued talking to her. Dawn began to cry again. Xander stroked the side of Dawn's face, then kissed her on the cheek.

Xander turned and, in what seemed like slow motion to Dawn, ran down the platform as Dawn remained where she was. She pointlessly reached out a hand after him, as if it would make him stop.

It was then that Buffy finally made it to the top of the platform. She came up behind Dawn's crying form in time to see Xander take a swan dive off the end of the platform and into the portal. 

"Xander!" Dawn watched, sobbing, as her sister ran up the platform after Xander. She stops halfway, when it becomes obvious she can't save Xander. She falls to her knees, crying.

Xander falls into the portal and hanging there motionless, as he made expressions of pain.

Dawn cried some more, falling down beside her sister as she began remembering Xander's final words to her. 'Dawn, listen to me. Listen.'

The portal began shrinking as Xander's life force, his blood, started running out. 'I love you. I will *always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay.

And give my love to my friends. Your sister is going to blame herself for all of this... You have to let her know it was my choice. You have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it. Be brave. Live. This world needs more people like you."

The portal draws itself closed, disappearing completely. Xander's body, hanging in the air by the power of the portal, dropped like a metaphorical rock.

They all watched in horror as he plummeted, and began averting their eyes. Mere moments before he went crashing through a stack of palettes, his body simply fizzled out of existence. They all looked up when they heard the slight crackling, to see him disappear.

Gasps all around were heard. The rest of them gathered around as Buffy and Dawn raced down the scaffolding of the tower. When they arrived, they saw the group standing in various states of shock.

Spike, his face bloodied, looked on with a sad admiration of someone who did what he couldn't. Willow and Tara held each other as Willow began to cry. Giles looking sad, like a father who just lost a son. Anya looked around at all the others, begging for answers to questions she hadn't even come to yet.

Buffy and Dawn finally reached the ground, stairs clanking with each step. Perhaps they were hoping to see some sign of Xander as they rushed towards the palettes. All that remained where the clothes he had been wearing. It was as if he'd vanished right out of them.  
Dawn begins to cry again, she's joined by Buffy, and the rest of the group soon after. The only one that wasn't joining in on the group bonding was Anya, who starts screaming obscenities in Buffy's direction, casting the blame on her. She gave Buffy a good, hard shove, before taking off out of the construction site into the night.


	2. Be Here Now

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 1a - "Be Here Now"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: B/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Three months after his disappearance, Xander mysteriously reappears.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: This is my attempt at a sliding doors type fic. It starts out the same on both sides, but one event or another skewers the story further apart towards the end. Other parts, for those who want the Fr/X side, can be found at the group FredandXander

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! I desperately need it, like an addiction. It would be appreciated.

*FADE TO: The construction yard housing the portal tower.*

The site was decidedly quiet, much like it had been for the past several months. The summer passed without major incident. No world ending threats, no big bad... just a sad, persistent silence. Some might say it was so quiet because of the life that was taken that day in May.

One so full of life, despite the odds. Despite the circumstances. That day, he freely gave that which saved all the rest. The whole he left, however, was not quick to heal... perhaps it never would. His presence was missed by those he loved, and surprisingly by the universe itself.

The sky above the construction site lit up as if high noon, energy surging through the very air. A crackling sound filled the void as the light faded, and a form fizzled into in mid-air. It solidified, and a naked form fell the distance to the ground, crashing through the stack of palettes below.

It shook, among the shards of shattered wood, and groaned audibly. The full-body shiver subsided only as he climbed to his feet. Xander didn't know where he was. He didn't understand how his surroundings had changed. His hair was much longer than before, and he sported a full beard. The outstanding feature, he noticed as his senses began returning to their regular levels, was his complete and total nakedness.

His head shot too and fro as sounds assaulted his ears. Sounds of life he had been unfamiliar with in the time he was... wherever the heck he was. He looked around for something to cover himself with, but found nothing. He needed to find somewhere safe to go, and he knew he couldn't walk around naked on the streets.

Xander spotted a manhole cover nearby and saw his only option. He looked for any movement nearby, then used all his strength to push the manhole cover out of place enough for him to squeeze through.

His memories were foggy, but he somehow *knew* how to get around down here. Perhaps he'd been through here before. He crept along, towards whatever goal it was he was trying to reach. He only hoped he could get there safely.

A thumping footstep behind him was an immediate sign he could not. He turned his head slightly to see a large, overbearing brute approaching him with interest. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was. It might, however, take a rocket scientist to figure a way out of this for him.

The lumbering vampire looked at the naked man in front of him, and couldn't help but laugh. An easy meal was just what he needed. He toyed with the human first, simply because he could, "It never ceases to amaze me the type of vermin we get down here in the tunnels..."

He found his voice, and threw back, "Look in a mirror lately?"

The vamp looked confused. Of course not, he hadn't seen himself since he was turned the year before. The human must be stupid, and he thought it better to just end this. He lunged forward, and was caught off guard as the naked man launched into a spinning kick. It caught him and sent him spinning in mid-air.

Xander himself looked surprised, but not for long as he made a run for it down the tunnel. The angered vampire didn't take very long to stay stupefied, climbing to his feet and giving chase. The human would pay for fighting back.

The tunnels were confusing, to say the least, but he still made is way through with relative ease. As he came towards a junction, he tripped and went barreling through the remains of an easel someone had thrown down here. The thought never occurred to him to grab a piece of it and defend himself. Instead, the ladder he'd fallen near had gotten his attention. It seemed like where he wanted to go.

It was a good thing he'd begun climbing, as his pursuer entered the section of tunnel he was in and stepped up his chase. He was halfway up the ladder when the vamp reached it, and started climbing after him. Xander cursed at the fact it was nighttime. He wouldn't be safe once he got out of the sewer.

The vamp was closing in behind him on the ladder. It was only a matter of time. Xander reached the manhole cover, and used a quick burst of energy to move it out of the way some. Once out of the hole, he immediately spotted a metal bar. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the bar and used it to prop the manhole cover up a little.

As the vamp reached the top of the hole, sticking its head out just enough to see where he was, Xander dropped the lid. It caught the vamp square upside the head, and caused it to fall back down the hole. Xander let the lid fall back into place, then laid back on the pavement in relief.

On the other side of the hole, the vamp went crashing down the ladder, catching several of the rungs as he fell. When he landed, he let out a groan of pain as a shaft of wood protruded from his chest. The leg of the easel had been 'knocked into place' when Xander crashed through it. Moments later, the vamp exploded into dust.

Up above, Xander climbed to his feet again and observed his surroundings. A generic alleyway, in his opinion. The only thing that stood out was what appeared to be the backdoor of an establishment. Xander saw this as his best shot, and approached. Reading the sign above the door, 'The Magic Box', a flood of memories rushed through his head. The events leading up to his 'death' were the most striking.

Turning the handle on the door, he found it to be unlocked. He entered into a training room. He rifled through the room, looking for anything that he could use as clothing. He ran into luck as he found a set of sweat pants and a sweatshirt. He realized they must have been Giles' training clothes. Giles? Everything was so unfocused in his mind, but it was coming back.

The clothes fit him well enough, despite him being slightly larger than Giles. He now had to decide what to do next. Would he go to the place he had lived before, to jog his memories more? Or would he try to find his friends and let them know he was back.

A voice from up front caught his attention.

*CUT TO: The Magic Box, front room. Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Spike are gathered.*

"It... it didn't work!" Buffy gasped quietly.

"Well... we'll just have to try again. Tomorrow night."

Tara looked upset, "Willow... I don't want to see you go through that again..."

Spike agreed, "Yeah, Red... I do believe the line should have been drawn when you threw up that snake... I mean, even *I* found that disturbing." He took a drag off his cigarette and gave her a pointed look.

"I'm fine! But we have to try again... we have to have him back... we need him!"

Tara frowned, "We need him? Or do *you* need him?"

Willow looked confused at first, "Tara, baby, he was my best friend..." She suddenly switched to anger, "Don't you want him back? Did you secretly wish he died or something?"

Tara shook her head, "No, Will... I told you before, I think Xander was a sweetie... but he's dead. Maybe we should just leave it that way. Maybe he's in a nice place."

"Nice place?" Buffy was confused.

Tara reluctantly nodded, "There's always a chance he got into heaven. He helped do so much good... I'd like to think he had a good shot at it."

Buffy half-smiled, then half-frowned, "Wills, you didn't say anything about heaven... if he was there, and we pulled him out... god, I'd never forgive any of us..."

Willow shook her head, "But... but... we want him back. We all love him, right? And we want him to be here with us."

Spike laughed, "A bit selfish, ain't that? I didn't exactly like the bloke, but it's a little harsh to think about pulling him out of heaven just for another hug."

"Shut up, Spike." Willow growled.

"Willow, it sucks to admit, but Spike is right... we're being selfish... Xander died, and wherever he ended up, we don't have the right to go pulling him back. Not just because we miss him. He gave his life for us."

*CUT TO: The training room. Xander can't believe what he'd heard.*

His ear was pressed to the door, and the words went straight to his chest. His friends had pulled him out of the living hell he was trapped in. Words couldn't describe how he was feeling right then. A tiny part of him was angry they would even dare to pull him back if he had been in heaven. That part was quickly squashed.

He couldn't contain himself any longer. He just had to let his friends know they'd been successful. He wouldn't, however, let them show just how scarred he was now. He wanted them to be happy he was alive, not worrying about his mental health.

All eyes turned to the back of the store as the door to the training room squeaked open. Immediately all eyes were filled with shock. None of them seemed to believe he was standing there.

Willow was the first one to dash across the room. She crushed him in a hug that literally took his breath away. When she was done, she turned her head to them and nodded vigorously, "It's him!"

Tara and Buffy jogged over and enveloped him in a monster hug, while Spike just stood back and watched. He sure as hell wasn't going to hug the man.

When breathing became an issue, Xander shook himself loose, and pulled back to take stock of the wide-eyes before him. He whispered hoarsely, "Uh, hey guys."

"Don't you 'hey guys' us! You're alive!" Buffy declared.

"Last time I checked, yeah." He lowered his eyes a little. That's when the tears began to flow all around.

"Lookin' a bit scruff there, droops." Spike called from the back, not crying in the least.

Xander looked annoyed, "Well, how long was I gone?"

Buffy answered for him, "Four months, Xand... we missed you so much!"

He didn't protest when she pulled him into another hug. Instead, his mind was trying to work over some calculations. He was surprised by that, as math had never been his strong suit. He simply shrugged mentally, and let himself get caught up in the feeling of Buffy's hug.

When she'd hugged him to the point of suffocation, she let go, and he casually prodded, "Uh, suppose any of you could tell me where I could find Anya? I really need to talk to her..." By the looks on their faces, he could tell there wasn't good news, "Oh god... is she dead?" New tears sprung to his eyes as he sank down into a chair.

"No, no, no!" Willow exclaimed. She, however, wasn't willing to provide any further answers. None of the girls in the room seemed willing to tell him just what was wrong with Anya.

So, ever the master of tact, Spike decided to tell him himself. 'Might give me a little satisfaction to see him in pain.' He waited a moment before spouting out, "She moved on, mate."

"She... moved on?" Xander didn't want to believe what he'd heard.

Spike saw another opportunity, "Yeah, y'know. Found a new beau, someone to dance the horizontal mambo with. I'm sure you understand."

"Spike!" He was summarily assaulted by three pairs of flying hands, as the girls exacted a sort of revenge for his callous speech.

"What? You ninnies weren't sayin' it... it had to be someone!" He growled.

Xander sighed, "So Anya forgot about me..."

"Xander, no." Tara spoke up, surprising him, "She always and still talks about you... but, you were gone for four months... We didn't tell her about our plan to bring you back. We didn't want to get her hopes up. She only met him a few weeks ago, and they seem pretty serious."

"A few weeks? I... no, y'know what? I don't need to deal with this stress right now. Hey! I just came back from the dead, or wherever the hell I just was... I need something warm and comforting..." He didn't mention out loud just what he'd been hoping that to be. "As comfortable as these sweats are, I'd prefer something of my own and definitely want something of the food variety. Seeing as how I haven't eaten anything good in almost a year."

"A year?" They all chorused, but before they could get an answer, he was out the door. Buffy and Willow hurried after him, leaving Tara and Spike to close the shop.

*CUT TO: Giles apartment. A clean-shaven Xander is sitting on the couch scarfing a slice of pizza, while Giles flips through some texts.*

"How is it you came to your conclusion of... a year, was it?"

Xander nodded, "Well, this will probably get a laugh out of someone... but my stomach helped me figure it out. I'm used to regular meals at certain intervals, y'know? Well, I noticed my stomach became ragingly hungry a lot less often. So, I used a little solar geometry that Wills taught me, and compared my cravings against the rotation of the sun... well, suns actually, that made it more complicated..."

Willow looked mildly proud, "I taught you good, huh?"

"Yeah, Wills... something finally stuck... anyway, the best that I could figure it... things went about three times faster than my body was used to, wherever the heck I was... So when Buffy told me I'd been gone four months, I did that crazy math thing and came up with roughly a year."

"Remarkable!" Giles seemed truly astonished.

"That would explain why you looked so scruff, Xander." Willow commented.

He nodded, "Thanks for letting me use your shaving kit, G-Man... I was a little tired of looking like Xander of the Jungle."

Buffy unexpectedly hugged him again, "God, Xander, it was so tough around here without you... we almost fell apart a couple of months ago." During her babble, she noticed the markings on either side of his neck, "How did you survive where you were?"

"Hell dimensions are funny, y'know?" When they didn't catch is logic, he continues, "It seems like the bigger the creature, the longer they stand around confused when you talk back at them... I survived mostly on my razor sharp wit and ability to run quickly." He could see from Buffy's eyes that she'd seen his scars, and was thankful she hadn't brought it up specifically. He did know, however, that she'd confront him about it later.

"For once your bloody sarcasm *saved* you from being monster chow? Good show, mate."

Xander rolled his eyes, "That means so much to me, Poo-Chi."

Spike glared at him furiously, before picking up his coat and heading out the door. They all looked on in mild amusement, before returning to the topic at hand.

Xander sighed, "What do I do now? I've been gone for four months... I can't exactly go back to my job and claim sick leave... and what about my parents? Wait, scratch that. Nevermind them. I'm alive again."

They all gathered around for a group hug, "We'll figure it out, Xander." Willow stated confidently.

Buffy smiled, "I know there's one person who's going to be thrilled to see you tomorrow." When Xander didn't quite catch her, she elaborated, "Dawn. She was really broken up when you left. She'll probably hug you harder than I did when she sees you."

He couldn't help but laugh, "Heh, I'm certainly looking forward to that... though my ribs are unused to the attention. I'd really like to get into some of my own clothes... and sleep in a real bed, maybe even mine... any objections?"

Tara raised her hand meekly, and they all waited for her to speak, "Uh... d-do you want to let Anya know you're back?"

"I'm not sure I'm ready to see her... or whatever guy she's with... at least not yet... why?"

"B-because, she's been living in your apartment since you left... and I think *he* visits her regularly... so if you go back to your place, you're probably going to run into th-them."

He nodded, "Point taken... does anyone else want to run the errand for me?"

Buffy raised her hand, "I'll go... she wouldn't find it so odd if I came by... I'll grab some things for you to wear the next few days, shouldn't take me too long." Buffy got up, gave his shoulder a squeeze, and headed out.

Xander waited until she'd left the apartment before speaking his mind, "Anyone care to explain to me why my girlfriend... er, ex-girlfriend wouldn't find it odd for Buffy to be stopping by?"

They all exchanged an uncomfortable glance, before Willow spoke up, "Well, Xan, it was just sort of how she dealt with losing you... she'd go and spend the whole day there from time to time... just being around your stuff and things that represented you... Anya was annoyed at first, but she finally just accepted it and worked on moving on."

"So, Buffy consoled herself by hanging around my apartment all day? I think that wins the award for 'shock of the night'... well, y'know, after me returning from hell." After the awkward moment following that revelation passed, they went about preparing the couch for Xander to sleep on.


	3. Don't Go Away

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 1b - "Don't Go Away"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: Fr/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Three months after his disappearance, Xander mysteriously reappears.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: Other parts, for those who want the Fr/X side, can be found at the group FredandXander.

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! I desperately need it, like an addiction. It would be appreciated.

*FADE TO: The construction yard housing the portal tower.*

The site was decidedly quiet, much like it had been for the past several months. The summer passed without major incident. No world ending threats, no big bad... just a sad, persistent silence. Some might say it was so quiet because of the life that was taken that day in May.

One so full of life, despite the odds. Despite the circumstances. That day, he freely gave that which saved all the rest. The hole he left, however, was not quick to heal... perhaps it never would. His presence was missed by those he loved, and surprisingly by the universe itself.

The sky above the construction site lit up as if high noon, energy surging through the very air. A crackling sound filled the void as the light faded, and a form fizzled into in mid-air. It solidified, and a naked form fell the distance to the ground, crashing through the stack of crates below.

It shook, among the shards of shattered wood, and groaned audibly. The full-body shiver subsided only as he climbed to his feet. Xander didn't know where he was. He didn't understand how his surroundings had changed. His hair was much longer than before. The outstanding feature, he noticed as his senses began returning to their regular levels, was his complete and total nakedness.

His head shot to and fro as sounds assaulted his ears. Sounds of life he had been unfamiliar with in the time he was... wherever the heck he was. He looked around for something to cover himself with, but found nothing. He needed to find somewhere safe to go, and he knew he couldn't walk around naked on the streets.

Xander spotted a manhole cover nearby and saw his only option. He looked for any movement nearby, then used all his strength to push the manhole cover out of place enough for him to squeeze through.

His memories were foggy, but he somehow *knew* how to get around down here. Perhaps he'd been through here before. He crept along, towards whatever goal it was he was trying to reach. He only hoped he could get there safely.

A thumping footstep behind him was an immediate sign he could not. He turned his head slightly to see a large, overbearing brute approaching him with interest. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what he was. It might, however, take a rocket scientist to figure a way out of this for him.

The lumbering vampire looked at the naked man in front of him, and couldn't help but laugh. An easy meal was just what he needed. He toyed with the human first, simply because he could, "It never ceases to amaze me the type of vermin we get down here in the tunnels..."

He found his voice, and threw back, "Look in a mirror lately?"

The vamp looked confused. Of course not, he hadn't seen himself since he was turned the year before. The human must be stupid, and he thought it better to just end this. He lunged forward, and was caught off guard as the naked man launched into a spinning kick. It caught him and sent him spinning in mid-air.

Xander himself looked surprised, but not for long as he made a run for it down the tunnel. The angered vampire didn't take very long to stay stupefied, climbing to his feet and giving chase. The human would pay for fighting back.

The tunnels were confusing, to say the least, but he still made is way through with relative ease. As he came towards a junction, he tripped and went barreling through the remains of an easel someone had thrown down here. The thought never occurred to him to grab a piece of it and defend himself. Instead, the ladder he'd fallen near had gotten his attention. It seemed like where he wanted to go.

It was a good thing he'd begun climbing, as his pursuer entered the section of tunnel he was in and stepped up his chase. He was halfway up the ladder when the vamp reached it, and started climbing after him. Xander cursed at the fact it was nighttime. He wouldn't be safe once he got out of the sewer.

The vamp was closing in behind him on the ladder. It was only a matter of time. Xander reached the manhole cover, and used a quick burst of energy to move it out of the way some. Once out of the hole, he immediately spotted a metal bar. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the bar and used it to prop the manhole cover up a little.

As the vamp reached the top of the hole, sticking its head out just enough to see where he was, Xander dropped the lid. It caught the vamp square upside the head, and caused it to fall back down the hole. Xander let the lid fall back into place, then laid back on the pavement in relief.

On the other side of the hole, the vamp went crashing down the ladder, catching several of the rungs as he fell. When he landed, he let out a groan of pain as a shaft of wood protruded from his chest. The leg of the easel had been 'knocked into place' when Xander crashed through it. Moments later, the vamp exploded into dust.

Up above, Xander climbed to his feet again and observed his surroundings. A generic alleyway, in his opinion. The only thing that stood out was what appeared to be the backdoor of an establishment. Xander saw this as his best shot, and approached. Reading the sign above the door, 'The Magic Box', a flood of memories rushed through his head. The events leading up to his 'death' were the most striking.

Turning the handle on the door, he found it to be unlocked. He entered into a training room. He rifled through the room, looking for anything that he could use as clothing. He ran into luck as he found a set of sweat pants and a sweatshirt. He realized they must have been Giles' training clothes. Giles? Everything was so unfocused in his mind, but it was coming back.

The clothes fit him well enough, despite him being slightly larger than Giles. He now had to decide what to do next. Would he go to the place he had lived before, to jog his memories more? Or would he try to find his friends and let them know he was back.

A voice from up front caught his attention.

*CUT TO: The Magic Box, front room. Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Spike are gathered.*

"It... it didn't work!" Buffy gasped quietly.

"Well... we'll just have to try again. Tomorrow night."

Tara looked upset, "Willow... I don't want to see you go through that again..."

Spike agreed, "Yeah, Red... I do believe the line should have been drawn when you threw up that snake... I mean, even *I* found that disturbing." He took a drag off his cigarette and gave her a pointed look.

"I'm fine! But we have to try again... we have to have him back... we need him!"

Tara frowned, "We need him? Or do *you* need him?"

Willow looked confused at first, "Tara, baby, he was my best friend..." She suddenly switched to anger, "Don't you want him back? Did you secretly wish he died or something?"

Tara shook her head, "No, Will... I told you before, I think Xander was a sweetie... but he's dead. Maybe we should just leave it that way. Maybe he's in a nice place."

"Nice place?" Buffy was confused.

Tara reluctantly nodded, "There's always a chance he got into heaven. He helped do so much good... I'd like to think he had a good shot at it."

Buffy half-smiled, then half-frowned, "Wills, you didn't say anything about heaven... if he was there, and we pulled him out... god, I'd never forgive myself..."

Willow shook her head, "But... but... we want him back. We all love him, right? And we want him to be here with us."

Spike laughed, "A bit selfish, ain't that? I didn't exactly like the bloke, but it's a little harsh to think about pulling him out of heaven just for another hug."

"Shut up, Spike." Willow growled.

"Willow, it sucks to admit, but Spike is right... we're being selfish... Xander died, and wherever he ended up, we don't have the right to go pulling him back. Not just because we miss him. He gave his life for us."

*CUT TO: The training room. Xander can't believe what he'd heard.*

His ear was pressed to the door, and the words went straight to his chest. His friends had risked injuring themselves and pulled him out of eternal bliss. All because they couldn't accept that he'd given himself up so they'd be safe. Words couldn't describe how he was feeling right then. A tiny part of him was overjoyed that they'd missed him so much. That part was quickly squashed.

He couldn't contain himself any longer. He just didn't know if he could face them after what they'd done. What if Willow had died? Would that be an acceptable trade? His life for hers? His mind screamed at him.

He jumped up and headed back out the rear exit. He cursed as he tripped over a barbell, and sped up his escape. He closed the back door, moments before the door to the training room was opened. Buffy saw nothing out of the ordinary, and shook off the sense that she'd heard something.

After hearing the door close again, he stood up and started jogging in the direction of his apartment. He didn't hear Anya there, so he guessed she wasn't in on it. He wanted to visit her, show her he was alive, and start fresh.

The idle thought of running away crossed his mind. Moving somewhere his friends wouldn't find him, where he and Anya could live away the rest of their lives.

*CUT TO: Xander's apartment building.*

He arrived at the apartment building, and was glad to see the lights were on. He was about to enter the building, when he realized he was supposed to be dead. If any of the other people living here saw him, they'd want to ask a lot of questions.

He decided to do something he probably wouldn't before. He went around to the side of the building, where he wasn't likely to be spotted, and began climbing up towards the balcony of his apartment. He hopped over the lip as he reached it, and made his way towards the door, when he saw movement inside the apartment. The movement of *two* people.

He ducked down and spied through the window as Anya came waltzing, literally, with another man's arms around her. Rage boiled inside him, but the overwhelming calm that had been washed over him in heaven kept him from springing into action. Instead, he sat and observed their activities from his spot on the balcony.

They did a silly dance, a loose variation of a waltz, all through the main part of the apartment. He could see smiles on both their faces. His heart sank as he began to realize something he wished he wouldn't. The look on their faces, directed towards each other and unmistakable, was a clear sign of love. He loved her. Even more painful, she loved him. He fell back on his rear, devastated beyond words.

Their laughter brought tears to his eyes, but the words that floated through the glass broke his heart further. She looked at the unfamiliar man, a grin on her face, "Let's go out to dinner, then maybe we can..."

He looked back at her with mock disapproval, "Ahn, what have I told you about doing that in public places?" Rage grew again, as the man used *his* nickname for her. The pout that came across her face could have melted ice, and obviously did, as he gave in and went for their coats. Minutes later, after sickeningly helping each other put their coats on, they left the apartment hand-in-hand.

As soon as the lights turned off and the door closed, he went into action. The knob on the glass door turned, but didn't open. He cursed into the night for teaching Anya to lock it for safety's sake. Sensing an opportunity to release some tension, he balled the material of the sweatshirt around his fist, and drove his covered hand swiftly through the glass.

He sighed in relief as the carpet kept the noise level down. He quickly glanced behind himself to see Anya and 'her man' pull away in an unfamiliar car. He hoped she'd kept his car, as he'd be needing transportation soon.

Turning the knob on the door, he entered the apartment and immediately went to work. He pulled out several suitcases, and darted around the apartment grabbing everything he *knew* to be his. He was quite surprised at how much of his stuff she'd kept, but he then came across the dark thought that the new man may have been using some of it. He took the opportunity to use the mystery man's supplies to remove the full-grown beard covering his face. It had been bugging him for months.

When he'd packed everything up, he dug around for his car keys. He found them tucked away in a drawer, next to some pictures of the two of them. He steeled himself not to cry again. Instead, he plucked up his keys and slammed the drawer as hard as he could.

He picked up his bags, containing all the worldly possessions he could find, and made his way towards the way he entered. Before he got there, he spotted a deep bucket hat, probably belonging to 'Herman', as he preferred to call the man who was with Anya now. He grinned faintly, and mentally thought, 'If he can take something of mine, I can take something of his.'

The hat, combined with his longer hair now, obscured his features perfectly. He grabbed his bags again made for a front-door exit this time. He closed the door behind him, and strutted out to the car park. His car was there, in the same condition it had been when he'd left. He threw his bags in the back, and climbed in the driver's seat.

He suddenly wondered where he would go. He knew he'd need to deal with the experience he went through sometime, but he wasn't sure his friends would be what he needed for that. They hadn't really been supportive during other down points in his life, and he didn't expect it to be much different now.

He figured he needed someone with more experience in recovering from something as traumatic as this. He grimaced and groaned as he realized who he'd probably need to go to. It didn't make him happy, but these days he didn't know if anything would.

Before he left town, though, he decided on one last place to visit, for the sake of closure. He put the car in reverse, backing out of his stall, before switching back into drive and heading out into the world.

*CUT TO: Restfield cemetery.*

He couldn't quite grasp the irony of where he was buried. Restfield cemetery had been were life had started going crazy. It was where he'd been bound to helping the Scoobies, and apparently where he'd been unbound for eternity as well.

So begins the life of Xander Harris, so ends the life of Xander Harris. Right here in good old Restfield. He stood before the spartan headstone, adorned with little else but his name and info. The message on it was touching but basic. What could he expect, though? Only one of his friends really knew anything about him, and even she was too distant these days.

The headstone read: 

XANDER L. HARRIS

1981-2001

BELOVED AND

DEVOTED FRIEND

HE GAVE HIMSELF

SO WE ALL COULD LIVE

He wasn't sure why, but the tears would not fall at this solitary display of friendship. All the other absentee cases were too much for this to make up for. So he turned his head, to avoid further pain.

Unfortunately, this did the exact opposite. For as he turned his head, he saw one of this worst nightmares. Buffy and Spike appeared to be patrolling. That wasn't the worst of it, though. They appeared to be arguing about something. He kept trying to turn her to face him, but she refused. This would have been a good thing, if Spike hadn't finally succeeded.

As she spun around, they came dangerously close together, and in the blink of an eye were kissing passionately. The part of him that wanted to protect Buffy and keep her from harm would have been screaming to run over and kill Spike, but that part had was laid to rest in the plot he was kneeling on.

Instead, he got up as quietly as he could, and went to his car. Without another word, he started the vehicle and pulled away, heading for his reluctant destination.

He didn't happen to see Buffy break away from Spike, before shoving him to the ground angrily. She gestured at him with a stake, her words falling on deaf ears, before stalking off and stopping at Xander's grave. She fell to her knees and started crying shortly before the rain started pouring.


	4. Haunting Me

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 2a - "Haunting Me"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: B/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Xander's demons start coming back to haunt him.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: This series was formerly called "Untitled." Creative, huh? I finally came up with a name, though it still doesn't satisfy me. I'm still open to suggestions. I apologize for how late it took me to get this part out. Real life and that annoying monkey Writer's Block just wouldn't get off my back. Here it is, though.

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! I desperately need it, like an addiction. It would be appreciated.

*FADE TO: Giles apartment, late night. The lights are out, and Xander is asleep on the couch.*

Xander was tossing fitfully around on the small couch. A banging noise emanating from the courtyard woke him up, and one fluid motion he was up and over the back of the couch in an instant. He huddled himself as low as he could, as if to avoid detection from the unseen enemy.

His nerves were jittery and he was shaking like a leaf. From the moment he woke up, he couldn't remember where he was. The last, strong image he had was being chased by a demon twice his size and out for a snack. It had chased him for what seemed like an eternity across the barren wasteland he'd been stuck in. He had barely gotten away from it, only to run into something just as dangerous.

It didn't have a form exactly, it was more like a floating vapor. The only thing that was unmistakably clear were the eyes and the unbelievably disturbing grin. It had told him he didn't belong there. That he had to go back. However, it didn't have the purest of intentions for wanting him to go back.

It wanted to possess him; to use his body on the other side to carry out whatever it wanted to. Xander knew he couldn't let that happen. Even if he doubted that he'd ever find a way home again, the last thing he wanted was to be possessed by a psychotic ghost.

He'd just managed to avoid contact with it, when he'd started feeling a tingle. Seconds after that, he was in mid-air and crashing through palettes. He was home.

His senses returned to Giles apartment, as his most recent memories began coming to him. His return from hell, meeting his friends, receiving comfort. He sighed deeply, as he started climbing back into his bed/couch.

A gift of his home for the time he was gone, were nightmares of what he'd seen. Horrifying creatures, of all shapes and sizes, all out to kill him. Each one more bloodthirsty than the last. The only thing that kept him alive, was what he'd learned while in the company of Buffy. Without it, he'd be fertilizing the barren plains of that hell world.

He knew it would take a long time to heal from the wounds his 'death' had inflicted on his mind. No matter how screwed up he was, though, he would not burden his friends with it. He could do it alone, just like he had everything else in his life. No parents to guide him, friends who only saw him as a hazard, and a trip to hell to boot.

Sleep came to him again, although still fitfully. Through a nearby window, a mysterious fog hung thickly, before it floated away into the night.

*CUT TO: Giles' apartment, daytime. Buffy is leading Dawn in, while everyone else is gathered around.*

Buffy brought Dawn over to the couch and gestured for her to sit down. Dawn felt uncomfortable under all the attention, "Y'know, I love it when you guys give me gifts... but do you all have to stand around staring at me?"

"It's a group-type thing, Dawn... it's a big gift from all of us."

"Whatever you say, sis. So, what is it? A car of my own? Or maybe it's clothes. Is it? Oooh, a pony?"

"What is it with girls and ponies, huh? I mean, honestly, I wouldn't have too much of an issue with getting on hands and knees and giving you a ride arou..." Xander's attempt at a joke was interrupted as Dawn went flying across the room to envelope him in a hug.

"Xander!"

"Last time I checked that was me..."

"H-how?" Dawn's eyes were wide as saucers, and Xander found himself at a loss for anything constructive to say.

He simply hugged her a moment longer, before containing himself, "Does it matter?" Dawn shook her head vigorously against his chest, hugging him tighter. Xander became as uncomfortable as she had been a few moments earlier, and attempted to dodge the heat, "So, am I the best early Christmas present ever?"

Dawn chuckled through the tears that had begun flowing from her eyes, not capable of an appropriate response. He sighed, unsure of just why he wasn't as moved by the whole experience as she seemed to be. No mistaking, he was happy to see her... but he felt strangely numb to everything. He wrote it off as a consequence of suppressing everything he needed to get off his chest. He would simply have to find someone to open up to who wouldn't completely freak out on him.

"Dawn, I believe it might be helpful if you gave Xander a chance to breath soon." Giles made a semi-joke.

"Yeah, Dawnie, we should like, research or something... I've been back half a day and we're not on apocalypse alert... it just doesn't feel right." Xander fully-joked. However, Dawn made no move to pry herself off of Xander. He laughed hollowly, "Or not."

Throughout the rest of the afternoon, Dawn kept herself close to Xander, for fear he'd disappear again. If she weren't so tall, she'd probably have wrapped herself around his leg like a little kid.

As evening approached, Xander realized he'd likely have Dawn latched to him until the end of eternity if he didn't do something soon. Quietly, he spoke to her, "Dawnie, you feel like getting dinner? I could go for a little Chinese right about now..."

Dawn lifted her head, and nodded faintly. Her tear-stained eyes moved him. Or at least they should have. He sighed, and decided he couldn't put it off much longer. He had to open up, or he'd likely screw up his second chance at life.

--

After Dawn and Xander had left, those who remained stayed to discuss more about Xander's return.

"Xander is alive." Buffy stated in wonderment as soon as the door had shut.

"Yes, he certainly is." Giles agreed with a small smile.

Willow sighed, "We should probably call and tell Cordelia he's alive."

Spike laughed, "Right, after we explain how he was dead in the first place?"

Buffy glared, "She deserves to know. She deserved to know from the beginning."

Spike just stood up and frowned, "I seem to remember it was your idea not to tell her in the first place. Or was it you just didn't want to have to call and chance speaking to the poof himself?"

Buffy looked shocked, "Don't you dare bring Angel into this... he has nothing to do with Xander or why I thought we shouldn't tell Cordelia."

Spike smirked slightly, "So you admit Angel is a poof?"

"Get out, Spike." Giles demanded quietly.

Spike just glared back at the Watcher, "Oh bugger off!"

Willow and Tara clasped hands, and each whispered a separate phrase in Latin. The door of the apartment suddenly flew open, and a powerful gust of wind slammed into Spike and sent him through the open entrance.

Calmly, Giles walked over to the door declaring, "And stay out." The slam of the door put an end to Spike's snarky annoyance, for the time being.

--

Giles asked Willow to help him with informing Cordelia about Xander's death and resurrection, leaving Buffy and Tara by themselves.

They walked out the front door, keeping their eyes open for a prowling Spike, and headed for a local coffee shop.

Tara had held her tongue for most of the walk, but as soon as they'd received their coffee, she addressed it. "Something is bothering you, Buffy."

Buffy tried to look as nonchalant as possible, "What do you mean?"

"Ever since Xander got back... you've been watching him like a hawk. And when he and Dawn saw each other, you looked like you noticed something out of place."

Buffy realized she'd been caught. Being the quiet one of the group had given Tara a tremendous opportunity to observe the rest of them. Realizing she couldn't play dumb any longer, she opened up, "He's holding something back... Dawn was bawling her head off, and he looked like he'd just woken up or something... like he wasn't quite in touch with the world yet."

"Holding something back like a secret, you mean?"

Buffy shook her head, "No... since he's come back, he hasn't cried at all. It's not like he was a fountain or anything before... but nothing else seems to be coming out either, except for his ability to joke. It's like he's got a shell built up around him, so thick nothing is getting in to him."

Tara started understanding, "He was in that hell for so long... he probably had to build his mental defenses up, to keep himself s-sane and stuff."

Buffy sighed, "We have to help him somehow... show him he doesn't need those walls anymore. Show him he's loved."

Tara took a few moments to respond, "I think m-maybe we should approach him... y-you know, about how he's really feeling. H-he might open up more if he knows we're willing to listen."

"A group therapy session?"

"N-no... it would be better if we approached him individually... and not all of us. He might get the wrong idea if we all start acting..."

Buffy finished for her, "Like we're Dr. Sigmund Freud?" She looked towards the back hallway, "How about just you and me?"

Tara looked unsure, "I-I suppose... B-but, I didn't know him that well before... I'm n-not sure if I should."

Buffy smiled warmly at her, "I think it'd be a good way for you to get to know him more. A nice friendly gesture."

"O-okay, if you think it's a good idea." She smiled shyly in return.

Buffy's smile grew at the girl's acceptance, "Now, we just have to decide when."

--

Xander handed money to the cashier, and waited to get his change. Dawn stood behind him for a moment, still gazing at him in amazement. He was growing extremely uncomfortable with the situation, but didn't let it slip for Dawn's sake.

"Xander... I'm gonna go to the restroom before we head back to Giles place, okay?"

He nodded, "All right. I'll just be out here by the front door, Dawn." He quietly walked towards the front of the restaurant as Dawn headed for the restroom.

He hadn't stepped a full step outside the restaurant before he was grabbed by his collar and thrown against the front wall. He began reaching for a stake in his jacket when his arms were suddenly pinned to his sides, preventing motion.

He finally caught a glimpse of his attacker, and proceeded to glare, "What do you want, Spike?"

Spike growled fiercely, "You were supposed to stay dead, mate."

Xander simply continued glaring, "Not exactly like it was in my control. Besides, weren't you part of the spell to bring me back?"

Spike vamped out, "I thought I had it taken care of. I suppose I'll have to go with Plan B." He dove in on Xander's neck.


	5. Hello Again

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 2b - "Hello Again"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: Fr/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Frightened and lost, Xander has headed to the one place he knows he can find someone who can help him deal with being pulled from heaven.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: This series was formerly called "Untitled." Creative, huh? I finally came up with a name, though it still doesn't satisfy me. I'm still open to suggestions. I apologize for how late it took me to get this part out. Real life and that annoying monkey Writer's Block just wouldn't get off my back. Here it is, though.

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possiblity of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! It would be appreciated.

*FADE TO: Hyperion Hotel, main lobby. All is quiet, until the front door swings open.*

Xander had several bags slung over his shoulders. Upon arriving near the lobby seats, he dropped his bags, and looked around for signs of life.

He approached the front desk, and cautiously ran the bell there. No response. Several more rings bore just as little fruit, and he decided to wander about.

The decision of going upstairs or heading towards the atrium near the back was only made after he thought he heard a noise coming through the atrium. He calmly walked there, taking his time, only to find the area empty.

He was about to double back when he noticed a set of stairs leading downwards. The sounds he heard must have come from down there. He made his way down the steps, being careful to watch where he was going. The room below was dimly lit and expansive, and he wandered around blindly.

He wasn't sure why he didn't call out to get anyone's attention, but it seemed pointless when he heard a loud clanking noise. In a matter of seconds, an object came soaring towards him, giving him barely enough time to dodge backwards before it sank into the wall in front of him. The rush of air was enough to blow the hat right off his head.

Xander's heart nearly stopped, and his breathing became heavy, as he hoarsely spoke, "Not exactly the greeting I was hoping for..."

His voice carried well in the large, mostly empty, room. The next thing he heard, as he leaned against the wall for support, was a surprised screech. A light came from the other side of the room, and a frail figure came bounding across the room, "Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize it was a real person... I thought it might have been a figment of my imagination or maybe even Angel... He said he'd be right back, and when he meant right back I thought me meant *right back.* It's been almost five minutes since he left and I thought maybe you were him and he was trying to sneak around to test my reflexes and..."

Xander held up a hand to stop her rambling, "Hang on a sec... kinda having a heart attack here." He sank down against the wall.

The nameless girl crouched down in front of him, "I'm really really sorry... you're not Angel!"

"Thank you for that observation... uh, Miss."

"Winifred." She saw the look he gave her, "It's my name. Winifred Burkle... but everyone calls me Fred."

"Even those you try to kill?"

"Well... no... of course I haven't talked to all that many people I've tried to kill. I haven't tried to kill many people. I usually leave that up to my friends Angel, Wesley, Gunn, and even Cordelia sometimes..."

"You're friends with Angel and Cordelia? What did you do with them? Holy water showers and fashion bonfires?"

Fred couldn't help but laugh at his joke, "Nooo... they saved me from an alternate dimension. Angel was all dreamy and heroic, and Cordelia got to be a powerful princess..."

"Angel... dreamy? Cordelia... a princess? You couldn't happen to tell me if I've warped back to high school, can you?" When she looked confused, he shook his head to dismiss the question, "I'm here to see them. Angel and Cordelia, that is. Wesley too, I guess."

"Oh! Do they know you're coming? Cause sometimes, Angel gets grumpy when people drop in unnanounced... like when that redheaded Willow girl came to say Buffy was losing her mind... Angel got all sad, and depressed, and moody..." She suddenly saw the way Xander got, "Like you are, right now. Oh, did you love Buffy too?"

Xander flinched visibly, before simply brushing off the comment, "Can you tell me where they are?"

"Fred, what's going on down here? I thought I told you to wait until I got that shield from up..." Angel suddenly saw who was slumped against the wall near Fred, "...stairs. Xander?" He saw the axe in the wall up above him, and awkwardly asked, "Are you alright?"

Xander got up on his own, breaking into his trademark defense, "Me? I'm fine. Maid Marion over here just tried to recreate my whole split-personality experience in a physical way."

"I'm sorry!" Fred declared, getting upset at Xander's stubborness.

Angel walked over slowly, "Fred, relax, that's just how Xander deals with things. He's not trying to make you feel bad."

Xander didn't see the glare Angel was sending him, because he was already looking down at the floor, "He's right... I'm sorry, Fred... I just, reacted badly..."

Angel became serious, "Why are you here, Xander?" Angel tensed, "Is it Buffy?"

Xander's head came up, and began shaking, "No, no... she's fine. Uh, if you consider that she kissed Spike 'fine'."

"She what?" Angel's eyes nearly bugged out.

"It's a long story, and I'd rather not get into it right now, okay Deadboy?" Xander snapped.

"Uh, fine... why are you here then?"

Xander shrugged, "Felt like taking a vacation... didn't trust going anywhere but here with my experience after high school." He started heading upstairs, "Kinda hoped I could run into Cordelia and talk about stuff."

Angel followed him, as Fred quietly followed third in the chain. Angel still carried the shield he'd come down with, "Well, she's home today... at her apartment. I could call her and have her come here, if you want."

"No thanks, Angel... I'd rather surprise her myself." Xander entered the atrium and started for the lobby, "I... don't suppose you'd be willing to let me stay here while I'm in town, would you? I'm a little strapped for cash and the hotels around here are just ridiculous."

"Sure... We can go clean up one of the other rooms here later and you can stay there."

*CUT TO: Cordelia's apartment. Xander has been standing outside for several minutes, wondering how to proceed.*

His train of thought was derailed as the door swung open. He turned his head swiftly to see how Cordelia had known he was there, to see no one at all.

He cautiously stuck his head in the entry/living room, and still could see no one. He became alarmed. Taking several large steps into the living room, he was about to call out Cordelia's name, when the front door closed by itself.

He stood motionless, unsure of how to go up against an apparent ghost. Hand-to-hand was definitely out of the question. He wasn't magically adept, so spells were not to be included in the strategy. The last 'ghost' he had encountered was Marcie, and it was Buffy that took care of her.

He suddenly blinked at thinking it might be Cordelia. Perhaps L.A. had swallowed her self-esteem to the point where she'd made herself invisible. It would have been nice for Angel to mention his ex was *see-through* before sending him over here.

Cordelia came walking casually into the room, unaware of his presence, declaring, "Dennis? Are you up to something out he..." When she caught sight of him, her face went slack, and she breathed, "Xander?"

She immediately became aware of his alerted state, "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." A gentle rattling caught her attention, "Sorry, Dennis." She blinked several times, "That's probably it, huh? Dennis caught you off guard? He's good, Xander. And since when did the big shot Xander Harris get scared of a little thing like a ghost?"

Strangely enough, her nagging and near-insulting served to soothe his nerves. 'What the hell was I thinking? Cordelia invisible? She'd sooner die than let the spotlight leave her for too long.' He finally managed make with the words, and he shoved the part of him that had no reaction other than numbness out of his head. He would deal with that soon. Right now, he had to be himself.

"A ghost, Cordy? Doesn't this building have rules about pets?" He cracked a nervous grin. 

Cordelia couldn't help but return it, before she ran over and crushed him in a hug, "Xander, where the hell have you been? Would it kill you to call a girl? It's almost like you died or something."

Xander couldn't hide the hitch in his breath, but played it off, "Something like that, yeah. A guy can't get busy sometimes?" Cordelia leaned back, her smile radiant like the sun. He immediately knew he'd deflected the bullet, for now. He was curious why she didn't seem to realize he *had* died. He'd find out about it later.

"How long have you been in town?"

"Just got here today... an hour or two ago, actually."

She frowned slightly, "Is there something up? Have you gone to see Angel?"

"No, there isn't, and yeah, I did. He actually offered to call you over to the hotel."

She smiled, "Well wasn't that sweet of him..." She gestured towards the couch for him to take a seat, "What brings you to town, Xander Harris?"

--

In an indescript diner in L.A., Cordelia had proceeded to talk Xander's ears off. As always, she seemed unaware of the fact she was monopolizing the conversation, unexpectedly not speaking non-stop about the latest fashion or even her failed acting career. Her words were of recent adventures, and things she had done with Angel and the rest of the gang since moving to L.A.

Angel. It was written all over her face how ass-backwards in love with him she was. It bothered him to a point. A point where numbness swallowed the only feeling he'd had aside from pain and fear since coming back.

He didn't mind all that much that she'd been doing her best imitation of a motormouth for the past half-hour. It saved him from being probed about what he'd done since high school. Not that he cared about detailing that to her. It was what he'd been up to *lately* that worried him. Could he really tell her he'd been dead? That he'd given up his life and now, thanks to his friends, he'd been brought back?

He suddenly realized she was looking at him expectantly. She must have just asked him a question. Doing the only thing he could, he asked, "What?"

Cordelia looked mildly annoyed, "I *asked*... How is Anya doing?"

He flinched internally. There were many subjects he was hoping Cordelia wouldn't broach, and she'd just smacked one with a carnival mallet. He tried to extract all the bitterness he could out of his voice as he replied, "She's been doing fine. She even took up dancing."

Cordelia laughed a little, but she was picking something up in his voice. Perhaps the bitterness he just couldn't hold back. Her eyes narrowed, "Is everything okay back in Sunnydale?"

Cordelia was on a roll with her carnival mallet. He gave her his best faux grin and replied, "Okay and Sunnydale are total opposites, Cord... Anyway, the world hasn't ended, and everyone is doing *just fine.*" He couldn't help letting some of the bitterness get through.

"Good." Cordelia acknowledged, before preparing to ask him some more questions.

She was halted abruptly as he motioned to her to stop, "Cordy, I'd really love to play some more twenty questions, but I need to discuss something with Angel, and I want to catch him before the sun goes down. Less chance of him chasing after me through the streets then." He joked, hoping she wouldn't put up a fuss.

Surprisingly, she nodded and began to stand up. He joined her, and managed to offer, "Walk you home?"

She nodded, smiling brightly, and filled the loop his arm made with her own. They walked down the sidewalk, and there began his reign of silence.


	6. Tear Away

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 3a - "Tear Away"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: B/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Xander's demons start coming back to haunt him.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: This series was formerly called "Untitled." I finally came up with a name, though it still doesn't satisfy me. I'm still open to suggestions. All other parts can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=8990

*Special Note:* Further parts will be delayed indefinitely due to a death in the family. Have to take care of family business above all else, y'know?

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! I desperately need it, like an addiction. It would be appreciated.

*FADE TO: Spike feeding off of Xander outside the Chinese restaurant.*

He'd had a full three minutes to feed off of Xander before the searing pain against his left cheek drove him backwards. "Get off him!" Dawn screamed.

Spike dropped Xander's limp body against the wall before looking at the girl disbelievingly, "Nibblet?"

"Don't call me that!" Her voice was shaky, and she held the cross in front of her cautiously, "Why were you doing that to him, Spike?"

Spike dropped his game face, and took a small step forward, "Dawn..." He paused, "...That's not really Xander. It's... evil. Did you see how I was biting him? It's a demon. He was going to hurt you, and I couldn't let him do that." He gripped her wrist tightly to lower the cross, before vamping out again and growling, "Not before I did."

He held her wrist firmly as he delivered a strong backhand blow to the side of her temple. She crumpled to the ground much the same way he did as he screamed, "Bloody hell!" He clutched his forehead for a few moments, before regaining his composure and grumbling, "Still getting the headaches... not exactly what I'd hoped."

He observed Dawn's form a moment, gently setting her unconscious form in the shadows, before returning to Xander. He hefted the young man into his arms and made a getaway.

--

Dawn awoke a few minutes later, her head throbbing and her thoughts only of Xander. She looked at the spot he had been laying before Spike had attacked her, and the only evidence he was there was a bloodstain on the wall.

She gasped, the situation hitting her like a ton of bricks. Spike had attacked her. Spike had attacked, and maybe even killed, Xander. She had to try hard not to burst out crying right then.

Instead, she rushed into the restaurant and requested the use of their phone. She quickly dialed the number of the Giles apartment, and was relieved when her sister picked up.

"Rupert Giles residence..."

"Buffy!"

"Dawn, what's wrong?"

"It's Xander..."

She could almost feel her sister tense on the other end of the line, "What happened to him?"

"Spike attacked him... outside the restaurant... he, he was somehow biting him and I used my cross to get him off him..."

"Dawn, are you okay? If Spike was hurting Xander, you shouldn't have..."

"He didn't hurt me. He couldn't. The chip seemed to stop him. But he knocked me out and ran away with Xander. I don't know where to."

"You stay there, Dawn... Giles will be out there in a little while to pick you up... the rest of us will try to find Xander."

"Buffy... please, find him. I can't lose him again."

Buffy was quiet for a moment, "Neither can I, sis. Wait there, okay?"

--

"Everybody, get in here!" Buffy yelled.

Willow and Giles came rushing back into the main room, while Tara remained where she was. Her features were worried, as she'd obviously heard part of Buffy's phone conversation.

"Buffy, what is it?"

"Dawn just called. Spike kidnapped Xander."

"Why would he..." Willow began asking.

"Do we *really* need to ask that question?" Giles replied.

Buffy looked tense, "That's not the worst of it... she said he was feeding on him, without a headache."

They all looked surprised, "H-his chip might have broken?" Tara offered.

Buffy shook her head, "He hit Dawn, and the chip kicked in." Her jaw had tightened further at the mention of him hurting her sister. Her inner Slayer kicked into action, "Giles, I want you to go pick up Dawn at the Chinese restaurant... take her to the Magic Box and try to look into why Spike's chip isn't working on Xander."

She looked to her best friend and Tara next, "Wills, can you call Cordelia back and have her bring the troops? We might need their help in finding Xander and if Spike has anything big up his sleeve. Tara should go with you, and after you've got a hold of them, head out to anywhere Spike might stash Xander. Don't try anything stupid, just find the place and then find me."

"What about you, Buffy?" Giles asked.

Her eyes narrowed, "I'm going to his crypt. If he isn't there, I'm destroying the crypt. Actually, if he *is* there I'll destroy it too, I'll just have a lot more fun doing it." With that, she and Giles headed out the door.

--

Xander roused from his slumber with a pounding headache, as well as a pounding neckache. He immediately felt his neck where the majority of the pain was coming from. To his surprise, he found his wound bandaged.

"Well, you didn't really expect me to let you bleed to death, did you?" The voice startled him. His vision was still wobbly, but the source was unmistakable. Spike approached him predatorily, dipping in next to Xander's ear and whispering, "Takes all the fun out of torturing you."

Xander jumped, away from the voice, but didn't make it very far. He felt like he'd just run a marathon, all his muscles screamed their protest at his sudden action.

Spike hoisted him up, setting him down roughly on a chair he hadn't noticed before, he laughed, "I just love it when they're weak as kittens." Spike began wrapping a length of rope around him, over and over, until he was certifiably immobile.

After he was done, Spike walked around and simply stood there, staring at Xander. It made an uncomfortable situation even moreso. Spike just grinned at his discomfort, "I bet you're wondering why I brought you here."

Xander simply rolled his eyes, "And I *bet* you're gonna tell me." The sarcasm behind the statement was not lost.

"Did you hear any of what I told said to Dawn... y'know, before I hit her." The sneer on his face was almost, but not quite, enough to make him angry. He could still feel the bottleneck in his emotions.  
Xander just shook his head, and Spike was more than happy to tell. "There's something different about you. I could smell it the minute you came through that back door. I could even taste it in your blood."

Xander just stared back, "You sure it wasn't the MSG?"

Spike growled, pouncing forward and yanking backward on Xander's hair, "Very funny, boy. You were supposed to stay dead. It was supposed to be so simple to keep you that way, too. I even arranged a little 'commotion' during the resurrection, to get rid of that bleeding Urn of Osiris... but that didn't work either. Now since those stupid children went against the laws of nature, you've been made to pay." He looked at the bandage on Xander's neck longingly, but threw his head away instead. Xander fell backwards on the chair, landing hard on his restrained arms.

He stared at the ceiling blankly, until Spike came around and stood above him, "The Powers That Be, the same blokes who're puppeting that disgrace of a sire, Angel. They decided to send you back wrong."

Xander avoided the issue, "Sire? Buffy said you told her Drusilla was your sire."

Spike laughed, "Oh, and I'm known for my honest nature, aren't I? I could have told her I sired Dru while torturing her with a purple salad fork, and she'd have believed me." He sat back on his haunches above Xander's head, "Don't change the subject on me, welp. You came back wrong, and this sodding chip in my head doesn't stop me from hurting you. So, ever the opportunist, I'm going to use this to my advantage."

"Why don't you just kill me?"

"Because, my boy, if I learned anything from daddy, it's that you need to use a little flair to get your point across. And it'll be so much sweeter to take it out on the one who stole what was mine!"

--

Buffy kicked in the door of the crypt. Much to her dismay, the crypt was empty. She went along, breaking things as she went, examining the walls for any signs of where Spike might have taken Xander.

In the cavern Spike had built under the crypt, she found nothing of interest aside from the remnants of his Buffy shrine. She threw a nearby candle on that to make sure it never came back to haunt her.

It became quickly evident that there was no evidence here to Xander's location. She wanted to keep her promise of destroying Spike's home, and began picking up candles and throwing them towards various objects in the room. Spike's bed became home for several, bursting into flames quite easily.

On her way out the main crypt, she kicked over a wine rack Spike had started keeping, as well as a few standing candles, and watched with interest as the room became engulfed in flames.

She wanted to make sure there was nothing left of Spike after this situation was over.

--

"First you say I should have stayed dead, and now you're happy I'm alive? Did anyone ever tell you before that you might have bi-polar issues?"

Spike simply ignored him, "Now... how can this be the most fun? Ooo, I torture you, kill you, and leave you on her doorstep. Hah, I know a real good demon taxidermist who owes me a favor... Or the best yet, I could turn you and bring you along to her house. I'd love to see the look on her face then, she was so happy to have you back."

Xander was confused, "Her? You mean Dawn? Leave her alone, you bastard."

Spike laughed cruelly, "Bloody hell, are all you humans this thick headed? No, I don't mean the little nibblet, I mean her sister. You do remember who Buffy is, don't you? I didn't drain *that* much blood from your head."

The first spark of anger appeared in Xander's eyes. However, it barely broke through to the surface, "If you do anything to Buffy, I swear to God, I'll come back as many times as I have to, to kill you for good."

Spike finally grabbed Xander by the back of his head and lifted him back to a seated position. He knelt in front of him and sneered, "Well just have to see about that, now won't we?"

"Why me, Spike? Why use *me* against Buffy, when she's got all those other friends?"

"You just don't get it, do you?" He growled angrily, "You don't even understand the pain you've caused me all these months? I thought Buffy was dense, but lord, you take the cake, Droopy."

"Before you took that bloody plunge, all she saw you for was the friend who was best left on the sidelines. The boy who needed to be protected from himself." Spike growled, "Sacrificing yourself was the worst possible thing you could have done, Harris. It was worse when they thought they could bring you back. Because it destroyed any chance I ever had with her."

Xander couldn't hold back the belly laugh that escaped him at Spike's final words. He was laughing so hard it hurt, literally, but he couldn't help himself.

"What's so bloody funny?"

Xander finally started getting control over himself, though his breathing was ragged, "You really think there was *ever* in a million years a chance for you and Buffy? I'll sooner sing and dance to a retro pastiche before that ever happens!"  
Spike lashed out with a right cross that sent Xander falling backwards again, but not before Spike caught him and stuck his nose into Xander's face, "Shut up! She was warming up to me! She closed herself off, and I was playing the gentle monster. I acted like I listened, like I cared! Then they thought they could bring you back, and it was gone. That's why you should have stayed dead!"  
Xander just shook his head, as much as he could with his newfound bruises, "Well, then let me sincerely apologize for the vile and disgraceful way I crushed your lunatic fantasy world."  
That was Spike's last straw. He delivered a vicious backhand blow, rendering Xander unconscious and jarring his bandage loose. Spike debated for a moment, before pouncing on the open wound and feeding again.


	7. How You Remind Me

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 3b - "How You Remind Me"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: Fr/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Xander finds out just how much the Scooby Gang 'cared' when he was lost. Picking up the pieces is no easy task, and he makes it harder by revealing his burden to only one person.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: Other part of this fic can be found here... http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=518550

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! It would be appreciated.

Xander still had trouble getting over the Hyperion Hotel, and the fact that Angel lived there. The guy seemed to get all the breaks; a steady job, a fancy pad, and of course, Buffy. He stopped himself from dwelling too bitterly on that and proceeded through the front door.

He was greeted by Wesley cleaning, and Gunn sharpening, weapons. He casually greeted them, "Helpers of the helpless, and shiners of the sharp and pointy things, where could I find the boss?" Wesley leveled a glare at him over his glasses, "Oh, right, sorry."

"He's in his office. Is there anything I can help with... as the actual boss?" Wesley inquired.

Xander hesitated a moment, but shook his head, "Nope, I need to find out from the corpse himself."

Foregoing the courtesy of knocking, he swung the door open to reveal Angel vainly attempting to preen his hair in the mirror. The futile gesture was made that much more amusing as he tried to cover up what he was doing. He wobbled around as he turned on his heel to face Xander, "X-Xander, why didn't you knock?"

"Because I figured you were doing something incredibly vain and self-centered behind closed doors. Looks like I was right."

"Is there something I can help you with?" Angel asked with mild annoyance.

"I have a question for you." The darkness that crept into Xander's eyes, and the lack of emotion in the words, startled Angel.

He recovered quickly, trying to avoid the embarrassment of having been open-mouthed and staring. If Xander had seen him, he was either sparing him or had been too preoccupied to call him on it. He nodded minutely, "Go ahead."

Xander continued staring at a paperweight on the desk, "What did Buffy tell you about the night that we defeated Glory?"

"Well... Willow told me you guys stopped her, and saved Dawn."

"She didn't say anything else? You didn't hear anything from Buffy?"

Angel looked at him strangely, "No, Willow didn't say anything else. I haven't spoken to Buffy since Joyce passed away. Why, what else happened?"

"Did you know I died?" Xander deadpanned.

Angel was surprised again, "You... died? Really?"

Xander sighed, "I'll take that as a no." He took a seat on the corner of Angel's desk and cursed, "Dammit."

Angel stepped closer, "Xander, what are you talking about?"

"At the tower Glory built to use Dawn at... Willow made a path for Spike to get up and save Dawn. I followed him, and knocked this demon guy off the tower. Uh, by the time I got to Dawn, she'd already started bleeding." He had to stop for a moment, the pain from having to retell his final moments getting overwhelming. "The whole deal with the portal was that blood started it, and only blood could stop it. Sound familiar? I couldn't let Dawn kill herself to stop it, and I damn sure wouldn't let Buffy take the plunge. So I did it. I took a swan dive off the tower, and from what I can see, it worked."

Angel was struck speechless, so much so that Xander had to pick up after him, "So none of them mentioned any of that, huh?"

Angel gave him a regretful look as he replied, "No, they didn't."

A hollow laugh almost made Angel shudder, "Well if it isn't 'Make Xander Feel The Size of a Bug' day..." He started getting up to head towards the door.

Angel caught his arm, "Xander, there has to be an explanation..."

Xander shrugged his arm off violently, "I already have an explanation. The good guys didn't want my name attached to the victory. Can't have a Harris saving the world, so conveniently leave him out of it. Pretty clear explanation right there." He sighed and reached for the door, before pausing, "Could you not tell anyone about this? I'll have to find a way to do it myself. I'm going to be in my room for the rest of the day. Do me a favor and *don't need me* okay?" He stormed out of the office before Angel could get in another word.

--

"What's up with Xander today, Angel? He hasn't come down from his room since yesterday." Cordelia asked.

"Cordelia has a point... I went up a short while ago, and I found his door was locked and he didn't answer to any of my knocks." Wesley agreed.

Angel fidgeted, "I... don't know." He paused for a moment, "He threw a weak insult at me this morning and just disappeared. Maybe he went out."

Cordelia raise and eyebrow, "He never goes out of the hotel without one of us with him. He says he'd get lost, remember?" She took a seat behind her desk and leaned back in her chair, "Do you suppose I should call Willow? Maybe she can come up here and figure out what's wrong with him."

"No!" Angel objected quickly, drawing curious looks from his associates, and knew he needed to cover quickly, "...If Willow comes, she'll probably bring Buffy and..."

Cordelia saw where he was going, and softly replied, "You're going to have to face her someday, Angel."

He avoided her gaze, afraid of what she could see in his, replying just as quietly, "I know, Cordy... just not now, okay?"

He didn't get the chance to see the brief look of hurt that passed over Cordelia's features. She knew he wouldn't fully get over Buffy until they'd met and gotten closure.

"Fine, Angel. I won't call Willow, and I won't bring Buffy into this... but someone has to go up and find out what's wrong with him."

--

Fred stood outside Xander's room, watching him for upwards of five minutes. She'd initially gone to speak to him about what was bothering him, but instead, she'd decided to observe him for as long as possible, to see if she could get a jump on it.

What she had seen so far was enough to send her mind racing. He looked like a man with a lot on his mind, which was the easiest of her observations. He also looked like he was holding onto something. Something painful. It was in the way his shoulders slouched.

He obviously hadn't wanted them to know about whatever it was... that's why he'd put up the humorous front to throw them off. They'd explained that was the way he always was, but they didn't seem to fully understand just why he was like that. Except maybe Cordelia. She apparently knew quite a lot about him.

Fred understood what it was like to feel isolated among a group of people. It was the definition of her experience in Pylea, and continued today whenever she felt awkward around the Angel Investigations team.

She decided then and there that she would use their common bond to try to get whatever was bothering him out in the open. No one else there seemed to want to do it. Perhaps they already knew or feared pushing the wrong button. But she did that all the time... it wouldn't be the first time that she rubbed someone the wrong way, and definitely wouldn't be the last.

She was jolted from her reverie as a hand waved in front of her face. "Earth to Winifred. This is Xander calling, courtesy of Houston."

She snorted at his reference, and started to babble nervously, "I'm sorry... I just wanted to come and talk to you, y'know, about whatever and my mind kind of got away from me. I'd really like it if you called me Fred, cause that's what everyone else who's my friend calls me. I want you to be my friend, Xander, like I hope you want me to be yours. I want to try to get you to open up and talk to me because I know your whole joke thing is a front to cover up that you're feeling pain and I just want to do something to take away your pain and..."

His firm grip on her shoulders halted her. He was smiling faintly, and looked amused, "I appreciate the concern, Fred... but really, I'm fine."

She looked at him for a moment, still in his grip, before shaking her head, "Well... I-I don't believe you. You're all tense and quietly mopey. You're almost like Angel."

Xander flinched at the comparison, letting her go and heading back into his room, "I'm not! I'm just... adjusting to being here in L.A., that's all."

Fred started feeling the unfamiliar emotion of anger rising in her, and couldn't stop its escape, "Bullsh...bullcrap, Xander Harris. I... I might not be the best when it comes to relating to people. I spent 5 years in what I consider hell, and while I might have lost a little of my ability to communicate on a normal level, I picked up a little skill in reading people. People are weird creatures. We can be happy, sad, mad, calm... sometimes all at the same time. And we're stubborn enough not to let anybody else know."

She glared at him for several moments, and he seemed to have no response. It was another few moments before his soft reply came, "What was your hell like?"

"Oh, well, it was dirty; and it had these big ugly creatures that treated humans like cattle; and..." The meaning of his question suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks, "Oh... you were in hell?"

He avoided her eyes, "Worse, actually. I ...was in heaven."

"Oh..." She was quiet for a long time, "What was it like?"

He was caught off-guard by her question. He wasn't sure he could put it into words, but he figured it couldn't hurt to try. "Imagine something warm, and comforting, and always there. You're surrounded by love and calm, so much it's almost too much. I guess the best way to describe it is... perfect happiness."

Fred tried to digest his description, using her vibrant imagination to picture such a place. "And now..."

He tensed instantly, "Now I'm back here on earth... and it feels like I'm in hell."

Fred wanted nothing more than to hug all the pain out of the young man in front of her. However, she knew he probably wouldn't accept her comfort. He was much too involved in torturing himself to be comforted.

Instead, she decided a little distraction might help him for now. Until he was ready to open up more. She stood up suddenly, "I think we should go out." It took her a moment to realize what she said, "Tacos! For tacos! You and I should go to this taco place down the street... we can offer each other comfort."  
He couldn't help but laugh. Still a hollow laugh, but it was something. "Well, would enchiladas enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find them *very* comforting." She simply looked at him strangely. He sighed, unsure exactly why he made the joke, and motioned to the door, "Let's go, before the dinner rush sets in."

--

Xander grimaced as the hand clamped down around his throat. He clawed at the wrist, hoping to wrench it free and begin fighting back. He made no progress whatsoever until Fred brought her handbag down across the head of the assailant.

The distraction provided Xander with his opportunity, bringing his fist across the vampire's jaw repeatedly. The claw hold on his throat was released, and he shoved the creature as far away from him as he could.

While Fred ducked out of the path the falling vampire took, Xander reached down to the ground and scooped up his fallen stake, "This wasn't what I meant when I said 'the dinner rush.'"

The vamp only snarled in response, climbing back to its feet and taking a wild swing. Xander easily ducked it, and struck with his stake. The scream of pain was satisfying, however the traditional dust cloud didn't follow it up. He was shoved roughly backwards, giving him a moment to examine what went wrong. He saw the stake buried in the demon's chest, however it was skewed off at an odd angle.  
"Dammit, I must have glanced off a rib!" He had to get his stake back now. It was easier said than done, as the vampire seemed particularly cranky at his attempt to kill it.

"I don't suppose we could talk about this, could we? Y'know, they're striving for peace over in the Mideast, can't we work something out, too?" Xander quipped.

The vampire just glared, "Why don't you shut up and die already?" It growled, "I don't like to play with my food."

It was caught completely off-guard by the purse that came swinging from the side. The small object connected with the tail end of the stake in its chest, righting its angle and driving it into the demon's heart. It didn't even manage an effective last word before it exploded in dust.

Xander, too, was amazed, "How did you do that?"

Fred smiled sheepishly, "Well, it was all a matter of calculating the right angle to swing so the stake would move the right way into the heart. It wasn't all that hard, I just took into account the..."

He interrupted her softly, "Y'know what, nevermind. I've never been a friend with the math. No need for a reunion right now." He reached around behind her and used his arm to direct her towards the parking lot, "Let's get out of here."

"Aren't we going to go in?" She gestured towards the restaurant they'd just been fighting in front of.

He shook his head, "Nah, I think we should just head back. And from now on, we're sending Angel out to get dinner. It just isn't safe to go out at night anymore." She giggled at his intentionally ironic statement.


	8. Goodbye To You

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 4a - "Goodbye To You"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: B/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Buffy comes to Xander's rescue, and Spike makes a last ditch effort to win the Slayer's affections; the hard way.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: All other parts can be found at http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=8990

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! I desperately need it, like an addiction. It would be appreciated.

Xander woke groggily, vaguely aware of the throbbing in his neck and the coppery taste of blood in his mouth. It took him mere seconds to start spitting out whatever blood it happened to be.

The action received a hearty laugh from his captor, who seemed to be sitting there watching him. "You really think I'd want to have your sodding sense of humor around for eternity? It might be fun to exercise my power over you as a sire, but it wouldn't be worth the bloody headaches."

"Care to go over again why you haven't just killed me then?" Xander spat at him.

"Because, unlike the rest of your miserable life, you have a purpose now. Buffy is going to find her way here, just like she always does. When she gets here, she's going to watch you die." Spike grinned maliciously, "Again. And if that doesn't drive her into my arms, nothing will."

"Oh, it'll drive something alright." Xander responded sarcastically, "But it'll be something pointy and wooden, not Buffy." Spike glared and stalked out of the room, lacking a good comeback.

--

Buffy was on the verge of a breakdown by the time the sun rose. They'd searched all over town and come up with no sign of either Spike or Xander. She had begun to fear the worst, but held tightly onto the hope that Spike was too damned proud to take Xander and simply kill him. Not when it gave him a power over the group that he hadn't had in well over two years.

She tried to shift her focus off of Xander's fate, and turned to Giles, "Giles, anything yet on why Spike could hurt Xander without his chip having malfunctioned?"

Giles frowned, "There are no definitive answers here, Buffy... the only theories I've uncovered revolve around the spell which brought Xander back... One involves Xander returning not completely human, as part demon, or missing part or whole of his soul. The other simply involves a slight molecular shift in his atomic structure, which could fool Spike's chip into thinking Xander wasn't human." He looked upset at both options, "However, I won't be able to find a conclusive answer until we retrieve Xander and I can run tests on him."

Buffy was visibly tense, and her eyes were dark and brimming with tears, "We won't need to run tests after we get Xander back, because there won't be anything left of Spike to hurt him anymore."

Giles saw the look in her eyes, and thought about curbing her rage, but decided to simply let it go, "Yes, well, I would still like to test Xander to find out exactly what is going on."

"Buffy!" Dawn called as she came running down the stairs.

"What is it, Dawn?" Buffy said, softening for her sister.

She jogged over waving a sheet of paper wildly, "I found this in my room... I think Spike left it."

Buffy frowned, "You had Spike in your room?"

Dawn frowned right back, "This was before he went all evil!" She paused, realizing the looks they were giving her, "...er. Evil-er."

Buffy sighed, and took the paper from her sister. Glancing over them, "It's a lease for an apartment..." As the address sunk in, she frowned.

Willow quietly took the paper from her and examined the address. Willow frowned, as well, "Isn't this the apartment that the Mayor bought for Faith?"

Buffy growled, "Get weapons together. Giles, you and me develop a plan. We roll in half an hour. I'm bringing Xander back." She spoke the last sentence directly to Willow, trying to assure her.

"I want to go with!" Dawn cried.

"No, we don't know what Spike has up his sleeve." Buffy responded.

"But he can't hurt me!"

Buffy held her sister by the shoulders, "Just because he can't, doesn't mean he won't try. Now go with Willow and Tara to get some weapons, okay?"

Dawn was about to protest, but she saw the look of determination in her sister's eyes, and nodded. Tara grabbed her hand gently, leading her along towards the front door.

--

Spike looked at the motley crew of vampires standing before him. They were the rejects no one else would accept as minions. To fail even that low standard meant they were desperately lacking in any real skills a leader would need in a servant.

For Spike, however, they served only one purpose. Fodder. Simply to buy time before the Slayer got within striking distance of him. He had to put up enough of a show to make the climax worthwhile.

He glared at them menacingly, "You know what you have to do. Attack the Slayer, capture her if you can, but under no circumstances are you to kill her, understand?"

The minions all nodded, save for one. He returned Spike's glare, "Why should we listen to you? Everyone knows you've been helping the Slayer for two years. What reason do we have to trust you?"

Spike shrugged, "None, really. But you'll remember, I can still hurt demons. I'll kill you myself if you start feeling particularly mutinous. Really, the only thing that's for certain is that you're going to die tonight. Either fighting the Slayer, or crossing me. Your choice, really." The vampire paled further and fell back in line, signaling his acceptance.

Spike smiled and turned to his hostage, "Looks like the preparations for the party are complete. Now all we need is the guest of honor." A loud crashing from the floors below brought a smile to his face, "There she is now."

Xander looked at Spike coldly, "Have I ever told you before you're an incompetent, insufferable git?"

Spike laughed, "You wound me with your words, Harris. Really, you do. You should be happy! I'm doing you a favor. With your woman trouncing off with another man, you'll no doubt suffer a miserable and pathetic life. I'm sparing you from all that." The door to the apartment splintered from a forceful kick, bringing Spike to a standing position, "Everyone, the play is about to begin... I'm really going to enjoy watching you die." He whispered towards Xander as his minions scrambled into place.

"The feeling is mutual." Xander spat. Seconds later, the apartment door came flying inwards.

--

The Slayer was in rare form as she sliced through everything in her way. Giles and his crossbow quickly took anything she didn't completely kill out.

Carnage wouldn't even be a proper description for what was taking place. Spike had collected an impressive number of vampires for her to fight, but there weren't nearly enough. She fought like a woman possessed, with only one goal in mind. Xander.

When the dust finally settled, the apartment was a shambles. Neither Xander nor Spike were anywhere to be seen. She quickly traced through her memories trying to tell if she'd incidentally killed the blonde vampire in her fury.

Noise from out on the balcony snapped her senses back into focus. Giles nodded before taking a cover position in the room in case any more vampires attempted to enter and attack.

She grabbed a chair that escaped her earlier wrath and tossed it through the half-moon window leading to the balcony. She quickly dove through the opening and assessed the situation.

Standing there smirking, Spike was leaning on Xander's shoulder, idly smoking a cigarette. He dropped the cigarette on the ground and stamped it out, "Slayer, 'bout time you showed up. Been itching to get a little one-on-one with you." Buffy took a step forward to advance, but Spike just as quickly stepped behind Xander seated form and took the young man's head in his hands, "Now, now, Buffy... you wouldn't want me to have to hurt the poor boy, now would you?"

Buffy seethed, "You're going to die, Spike."

Spike simply sneered, "Not if this all goes well, I won't. You want the little twit here to live, and I want..." He looked her up and down lustily, "You. I'm sure we can come to an agreement, can't we? A little roll in the sack for old times sake, before I skip town and never bother you again."

Buffy looked disgusted at him, "I already told you, Spike. The only chance you ever had with me was when I was knocked out in your psychotic lair."

Spike looked exasperated, "I *could* have taken advantage of you while you were out... Don't I get points for being a gentleman?"

Buffy glared at him, "Oh, you're going to get a point alright..." She reached for a stake, only to find none to grab. She'd used them all in her furious battle with Spike's swarm.

"Finding yourself under equipped, eh?" He sneered once again, "Don't worry, you'll find I don't have that problem."

"God, Spike, when are you going to get it that I'll never sleep with you? I'll never love you, because I l... because you're a monster."

Spike saw it in her eyes. There would be no budging on the issue. He tried his best not to let it show that he actually felt his heart break. No, now he had only one course of action. To go down fighting.

He stared at her with cold eyes, "I've begun to see I don't really have much left to go on here... my time is running out." He laughed, "I mean, it's not really like you'd let me go after something like this, eh? Guess William has worn out his welcome on this bloody planet." He stood up straight, still keeping a hand under Xander's chin as he pulled out a cigarette and his lighter. He lit the cigarette and stepped away from the young man cautiously. He settled himself into a fighting stance, "Come on, Slayer. Make my day."

She took a moment to form a strategy, only to be startled as Spike shoved Xander's chair over roughly and took an opening swing at her.

The blow caught her off guard, connecting with her ribs and staggering her. Fortunately, it had a similar effect on Spike as he clutched his head. From that point, Buffy began an assault that Spike could only barely block.

In the apartment, Giles tried to get a clear shot on Spike, but found Buffy getting far to close to his margin of error to risk taking a shot. He simply waited until an opportunity could present itself.

Spike's arms felt as if they were about to fall off as Buffy used as much of her Slayer strength as she could muster behind her punches. He knew the Watcher was aiming a crossbow at him, and adopted a strategy of letting the Slayer pound on him in close. It hurt, but it would keep him alive that much longer.

Seeing an opportunity to turn the tide, Spike caught both Buffy's arms at the same time. Not allowing himself to revel in the uncharacteristic closeness, he delivered a vicious headbutt that sent them both reeling. He fortunately stumbled out of the Watcher's field of view, while Buffy stumbled backwards falling onto the chair she'd used to break the window. The chair shattered, and Buffy was knocked for a loop by the combination.

Spike collected himself quickly, swooping over and grabbing the Slayer up off her feet. He threw her the opposite way, colliding her with the opposing wall. She collapsed near Xander, who was struggling to get out of his restraints, without much luck.

Seeing Spike by himself, Giles was eager to squeeze the trigger of the crossbow. However, contrary to what he expected, no arrow flew in Spike's direction. Giles cursed, "Bugger, of all the times to jam..." He struggled with the release, in an attempt to get the device working again.

Spike walked over and squatted near the Slayer. He knew he couldn't kill her. The chip in his head prevented that. He knew, however, that hurting her would be nearly as satisfying as the kill. He hoisted the nearby Xander up by his hair to a sitting position. Making sure he faced the young man towards the Slayer, he gripped his hands around his head, "Say goodbye to the boy, Slayer."

His grip tightened, and his hands began to pull, before he felt a sharp slap from behind. Dropping Xander, he turned around to see the teary-eyed face of the one person he'd really, genuinely cared about.

Dawn stared at him wide-eyed, unable to control the crying she felt she had to do. "Nibblet?"

It was then that he managed to look down at the chair leg protruding from his chest. He barely had time to manage the look of pure confusion before his features turned gray and dissolved in the light breeze.

Giles rushed to the balcony, his crossbow discarded for a stake, just as Dawn collapsed to the ground beside Xander's chair. Buffy, still recovering from her daze and shock, crawled over to her sister and enveloped her in a hug.

Giles took up the task of untying Xander from his binds. He threw the young man's arm over his shoulder and hoisted him to a standing position.

It was then that Xander was brought around to see who had dusted Spike. He had his suspicion from Spike's last words, but it didn't really hit him until he saw her tear-stained face. He looked at her with a numbed sense of sadness.

He hoarsely questioned, "Dawn? W-what are you doing here?" He looked to Buffy and Giles to see if they had brought her along for some inexplicable reason, but each shook their heads.

"I... I couldn't stand to know you were hurt. That Spike was hurting you... so I followed Buffy and climbed up the fire escape, and then I..." She was overcome by sorrow as she recalled just what she'd done then.

Buffy looked at Xander momentarily, trying to read his emotions. She could see the muted sadness for her sister behind his eyes, but he still wasn't letting it reach the surface. She sighed, "Let's go home."

She carried her sister out much the same way that Giles did with Xander, taking their time getting down the stairs and to Giles convertible.

The car ride home was quiet except for Dawn's muffled sobs as she cried still more into her sister's shirt. Upon getting home, Xander was gently assaulted by both Willow and Tara, while Dawn sped up to her room.

Willow offered to go up and talk to her. When she was gone, Buffy exchanged a silent, but implorative look with Tara, mouthing the words, "Soon."


	9. Live For The Moment

Title: "Living After Death"

Episode: 4b - "Live For The Moment"

Author: RockyD

E-mail: dollen@frontiernet.net

Category: Fr/X

Rating: PG-14 (nothing worse than the show)

Summary: Cordelia takes Xander to Caritas to get a reading from The Host, Lorne. What he finds out is much less than helpful, and attempts to drink his way through the floor.

Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss 

Whedon and Co. The only thing I lay claim to is the excruciating torture I put them through... and I'm sure they love me for it.

Author's Note: I'm not really good at songfics... I hadn't even intended this to *be* a songfic, but I needed something, and I went with it. Forgive me if I don't pull it off quite right. Other parts of this fic can be found here... http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=518550

Author's Note 2: The first signs of the fracturing of my psyche. I have to thank Jason Thompson and his multi-shipper site for wrapping my brain around the possibility of X/Other. You're to blame for this. :)

Feedback: YES! It would be appreciated.

"No." Xander said firmly.

"Oh, come on!"

"I said no, Cor." He tried to avoid her eyes, fearing she'd see the pain housed behind them, "I mean it."

"It won't kill you, Xander. It'll be fun, I swear."

He sighed, "What's this place called again?"

"Caritas. The host, Lorne, is such a sweetheart, too. You'll love it, Xander. It's got the same carefree attitude you had in high school. Not to mention fashion sense."

He reluctantly got up from his seat and followed Cordelia out, mumbling under his breath, "Well a lot has changed since high school..."

"What was that?" She asked, having missed it.

He was startled, "Uh, nothing. A sarcastic barb so pitiful it was beneath your hearing."

She looked at him hard for a moment. She was hoping that visiting Caritas might help dislodge whatever was blocking the usually chipper and sardonic Xander, leaving in his place a disheartened and barely-aware man.

He had been somewhat lightened after they'd sent Fred up to talk to him, but the weight on his shoulders had only lifted a fraction. He still felt as if it hurt to simply breathe. Like the air around him was poison, and he was awash in it. Then again, that's how life was supposed to feel after you'd been in heaven.

They were upon Caritas before he knew it, and the bar was exactly as Cordelia had described it. If they took his wardrobe from high school and made a building out of it, you would have Caritas.

Even more alarming, to Xander at least, was the lime green host who scampered around addressing all the patrons as if they were family. Well, in-laws anyway.

As she grabbed his arm, Cordelia leaned over and whispered, "Try not to start any trouble, okay Xander? There's a ward on the building here, you'll just end up with a headache for your troubles."

"Trouble? Why would I..."

"Cordelia Chase, as if you don't patronize the place enough... now you're bringing a handsome young man along with you?" He looked Xander up and down, like a piece of meat, making Xander more than a little uncomfortable. Seeing his discomfort, he offered to ease it, "Easy there, tall, dark, and handsome... don't get your boxers in a bunch."

Cordelia rolled her eyes, and interrupted the exchange, "Lorne, I come bearing Xander Harris."

Lorne almost looked to be shocked speechless, but that obviously never *ever* happened, "In the flesh? Well, I must admit he's nothing like I expected. The way you talked about him, I figured he was a big ol' football player."

Xander looked over at Cordelia with mirth, to see her blushing furiously, "You talked about me? To him?"

"Oh shut up, Xander. It's not like I gave him the grizzly details." She blushed deeper, "He got those from the reading."

Lorne laughed a little, "See, *now* I recognize you... although I see you've beefed up a little since Cordelia last saw you. Not bad."

Xander ignored Lorne's comment and looked to Cordelia, "Reading? What do you mean? This guy can read minds?" Xander immediately started throwing up any mental barriers he could muster, unsure if it would do any good.

Cordelia shook her head, "Not exactly." She pointed towards the front room.

Unfortunately, the message didn't quite make it through. He looked to the front of the bar, where a particularly slimey demon was on stage crooning to the beat of a Ricky Martin song. Xander looked at Cordelia incredulously, "A karaoke bar? You mean he's a masochist?"

Cordy took the presented opportunity to smack Xander across the back of his head, before bidding goodbye to Lorne and heading for a table.

After ordering a drink, she decided to fill him in. "Lorne reads people. You're smart enough to realize that, I hope." She smiled at him to show the comment had no bite to it, "The how of it is the karaoke... he can only read people when they're singing. He can tell people their futures, they're medical health, or they're favorite color, depending on what they're looking for."

He looked at her accusatorily, "You brought me here so I could sing, didn't you?"

She nodded sadly, "I hoped maybe it'd help you figure out just what's wrong... so you can pull the stick out of your ass and start living again." She put it bluntly. A little more bluntly than he had been expecting.

"It's not going to happen... never in a million years would I..."

--

"Everything's so blurry  
And everyone's so fake  
And everybody's empty  
And everything is  
So messed up  
Pre-occupied without you  
I cannot live at all  
My whole world  
Surrounds you  
I stumble then I crawl..."  
  
"Can you take it all away?  
Can you take it all away?  
When you shoved it  
In my face  
This pain you gave to me  
Can you take it all away?  
Can you take it all away?  
When you shoved it  
In my face"

With unprecedented shock, Lorne watched the young man as he finished up. "Dear God in heaven..." Lorne looked up momentarily, "No offense." Quickly he rushed to where Xander was climbing off the stage, and pulled him back behind the curtain.

"What?" Xander saw the look Lorne was giving him.

"Mind explaining just what you're doing here?" Lorne questioned earnestly.

Xander motioned towards the table where Cordelia sat, "Cordy dragged me here to try to cheer me up." He looked at Lorne funny, "Is memory loss part of your gift, too?"

Lorne looked serious for a moment, "You aren't supposed to be here."

The tone struck a chord in Xander, instantly telling him what the Host meant, "Why don't you ask my friends back in Sunnydale? They're the one's who decided it'd be a real kick to pull me back." He answered bitterly.

Lorne sighed, "They really have no idea the kind of forces they were messing with there, did they? Well, I hope you read them the riot act."

"I didn't." He paused, "I couldn't even face them. I packed up and came straight here."

"Not exactly the wisest choice, kid." He saw the glare and amended himself, "But mine is not to judge, mine is but to dish and dazzle."

"This sounds fun." Xander commented sarcastically.

"I already pointed out you aren't supposed to be here. Now that you are, you've gotta get back to living your life. There are big things ahead, Xander. For you, and for your friends. Without you in the game, though, it ain't gonna turn out well."

Xander stood there and let it sink in, before responding sadly, "But it hurts so much."

Lorne nodded in understanding, "I've never been up there myself, but I have an idea what it's like. Being back here must be like hell on earth, huh?" He didn't wait for a reply, "You're never going to find any sort of pleasure here on earth, if all you worry about is your pain. Get my drift?"

_You'll never find your pleasure, if you worry about your pain._ Xander tried to wrap his head around that and understand it. "So what's going to happen?"

"Hmm?"

"You read my future. Tell me what's going to happen."  
"That's not the way it works, sweet cheeks. I'm not supposed to give you a map of your future, just steer you in the right direction. The real beauty of destiny is, it's usually so vague you can work your way around the details however you want."

"So what are you saying? You read my future and it's as vague as one of Angel's cryptic warnings?"

"Funny way of putting it, but yeah. All I can say, is that your destiny is not far away. You have to be ready to lose a lot, and you have to be ready to make a sacrifice."

Xander stared at him in disbelief, "Again?" He nearly screamed, "One isn't enough? How high of a tower do I have to jump off this time?"

"Xander..."

"No! I'm tired of jumping through hoops for whatever the hell runs this spinning rock. If you *really* want to help me, you'll get me a drink. I'm in the mood to forget my problems."

Lorne started to object, but knew by the look in Xander's eyes that if it wasn't here, he'd find it somewhere else. At least here they had the ward spell and a generally friendly crowd. He reluctantly headed for the bar and started pouring some of the strongest stuff.

Xander approached the table where Cordelia sat and put up his non-chalant front. She smiled hopefully, "So, what did he have to say?"

He shrugged, "Nothing big. Typical fortune teller junk. Oh, there may be a haircut in my future."

She looked at him skeptically, but accepted it, as he seemed in a better mood, "Well then, that's good. And the haircut? You need it. Long hair is not your look."

He ran a hand through his hair, "I kind of thought it made me look distinguished."

"Distinguished? Try brutish, Xander."

He rolled his eyes, "Whatever, I'm gonna sit and have a few drinks before I head back... think you can make it home without me?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, but nodded, "I can get a cab."

He immediately shook his head, and clasped hands with her. In the exchanged, he placed a set of keys in her hand, "Take the car, that way I won't risk getting a DUI or anything. I can get a cab." He mirrored her words before smiling faintly.

She couldn't help but appreciate his logic. Alcohol and driving didn't mix, especially in L.A. She accepted his keys and gave him a hug, "If you need anything, just call the hotel, okay?"

He nodded in reply, "I will. You'll be the first person I call."

--

"...So there I was on this bed, making out with Willow, of all people, and they walk into the room. Cordelia and Oz, looking for us trying to 'save' us. And that's pretty much where my life started falling apart."

"Wow. Definitely sorry to hear that. One thing, though... who are Willow and Oz?"

Xander turned his head to see the complete stranger who he'd spent the last few minutes talking to. He, or 'it' since he wasn't quite sure if it's species had a male and female, had one large horn sticking out of it's forehead, and two smaller ones on the side. Add to that some scales and a nice hot pink skin color, and you had a really funny looking demon.

"Oh... sorry, I thought you were someone else."

"Who?"

"Uh, Lorne."

"You mistook my pink for his green? I'd be insulted if I didn't get it all the time."

Xander nodded, "Well, sorry... and thanks for listening."

"No problem... and good luck on that whole life thing." The demon picked up his drink and walked away.

Xander finished downing his current drink and motioned for the bartender to give him another.


End file.
